A Matter of Worse or of Better
by acommontater
Summary: It terrifies him.


A/n: Inspired by kendracandraw's art over on tumblr.

It's not that he doesn't know that Kurt loves him- he knows that down to his core, his very bones thrum with the essence of Kurt's love.

And that's the problem.

How can he possibly love Kurt half as much as Kurt loves him? It's impossible, in the way that a sidewalk puddle can never contain the majesty and depth of the sea.

Kurt is beautiful, shining, brilliant- so far above him that Blaine might as well be an ant worshiping the sun. He loves as best he can and waits and waits and waits for this dream to end. For Kurt to realize that he's loving Blaine too much, that he can never measure up.

He tries to end it once- Kurt's first year in New York when they'd been living states apart and Blaine had tried to break it off when it would be the least painful. A new place, a new start, nothing to bring Blaine to mind here. Out of sight out of mind, out of mind, out of heart, right?

They fight in Central Park, Finn and Rachel wide-eyed behind them, and Kurt screams at him and they both cry. Blaine can't make him see, can't get him to understand…

They spend weeks carefully rebuilding what they have, with soothing apologies and carefully placed affections. Blaine doesn't try to set Kurt free again after that.

It's not that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with Kurt- God, no. He loves being able to say that he is Kurt's and Kurt is his. Their relationship has become a cornerstone of who he is.

It terrifies him.

Because he's rather end it on his terms- have time to think and plan and carefully pack everything away before it all crumbles around him. He's rather have that then waiting and waiting and waiting for Kurt to see.

So he starts smaller- pulling away inch by inch so that it won't hurt.

They move in together- a crappy little apartment thirty minutes away from Kurt's job and forty from Blaine's school- and they sleep on the mattress on the floor together. He says 'I love you' less often, tries not to notice the hurt in Kurt's eyes. Stays out later and later, excuse after excuse.

Kurt doesn't leave- Blaine finds a note in his bag everyday sending him Kurt's love, always comes home to find Kurt either waiting for him or having fallen asleep in the spot where he waited. He holds Blaine tighter, kisses him fiercer. Loves him in a way that makes Blaine want to cry.

Sometimes, he thinks that 'maybe now, maybe this week, this month…', and then Kurt does something that makes him fall in love all over again.

Kurt gets a promotion, and he finishes school, and they move farther uptown to a nicer apartment. They splurge on a new bed and mattress- cushy and king-sized. Blaine is secretly glad- now he'll stop waking Kurt up in the middle of the night. The mattress is wide enough that they can spread out separately and still be comfortable.

Blaine no longer clings to Kurt at night- he doesn't mention Kurt's red-rimmed eyes. He has terrible nightmares- Kurt drowning and screaming for him, but he can't he can't his boat if getting farther and farther away. A burning building and he can't find Kurt he was supposed to be here and his lungs burn and… Kurt pale and weak and a slow monotone of an unmoving heart-monitor… Ice-skating at Rockefeller Square and Kurt is laughing a getting farther and farther away, Blaine's skates sinking into the slush, pleading with Kurt to stop stop stop, because he can't see the melted section of the lake but Kurt just skates on, too far away to hear and….

He wakes up shaking, sometimes in tears. Kurt used to wake him up from them and hold him until he fell asleep again, but he tried to ask about the nightmares, Blaine went silent and they don't talk about them anymore. Blaine pretends that he doesn't notice how Kurt always wakes up anyway, but stays still and lets Blaine to himself. He forces himself not to see how Kurt's shoulder shake when he leaves the room to get himself a glass of water.

It'll be better this way, he tells himself. He loves Kurt so much that it aches in the pit of his chest, the core of his stomach. He's not enough for Kurt, he knows he's not, and he still can't understand why Kurt is still with him and…

He wakes up to his shoulder being shaken. When his eyes open, Kurt's face swims into view. He's crying.

Blaine immediately sits up, concerned.

"I love you, you idiot, that's why I'm still with you." Kurt chokes out and oh, he must've been talking in his sleep. "Of course you're good enough for me- too good. _God_, baby."

He pulls Blaine close, crushing him into his body. Blaine shuts his eyes tightly and tries not to cry as Kurt presses kisses to every inch of skin he can reach. Tries to imprint his love into Blaine's skin, his tears salty and cold against his face.

Later, they will talk, maybe even fight a little. But in this moment, Blaine lets himself be held. Something in him breaks, as a small dam does in spring floods, and he collapses into Kurt for the first time in a long, long while.


End file.
